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I moved back to London, England. I am living with my Dad. It has been very hard getting adjusted. It is really very different here. People, culture, economy, tv, news, shopping, availability of things you are used to finding everywhere, social customs and no freaking American football. What the hell am I going to do when the new season starts?
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sometimes I am so frustrated with being in the prison of chronic fatigue. It is so frustrating to go to a doctor and they want to talk about talking your way out of chronic fatigue. Like you just want to be fatigued. Because their tests cannot find anything they assume it is all in your head. It is so patronizing and just wrong. Who or what make them think that is the way to treat another human being.
I have been fighting this my whole life it seems and I am tired of alway having to fight just to feel normal. This is not life. This is less than a half life. I am strapped in a chair watching life flying by with thoughts in my head of things that I want to do and absolutely cannot.
Tags: suicideI don’t think I will be going to see the CFS Clinic anymore. They really have no clue how to enhance my quality of life. Just pacing and some relaxation CDs. It would be laughable if it were not so sad. This the best that the whole NHS can come up with?
Ultrasound soon to check my liver for abnormalities. I am not fatalistic, but I feel that I will be diagnosed with Cancer like my mother. I have pain over my liver and my pancreas feels weird after I eat. My mother had Caner of the liver and pancreas and died when I was 17.
Tags: cancerchronic fatigue has taught me that positive thinking only works when it is based in reality. Not working is allowing me to know and feel my tiredness and fatigue and assess how I am doing. I feel that it will be a slow road to health, but if I am consistent and patient, I will get there. I am going to focus on healing in a naturopathic way. The doctors have provided little hope. I am trying to get referred to a holistic GP.
Anyway, went to the park and enjoyed the heat of the sun and read a book. Enjoying Wimbeldon and trying to accept where I am. To acknowledge my limitations and trying to build my foundation to be able to do more.
Tags: chronic fatigue community, chronic fatigue treatment protocol, positive thinking, realityanother good thing came from talking to the specialist. She mentioned that my body has been in a constant state of stress and I realize that my coping mechanisms are severly compromised. Every little thing stresses me out. I avoid conflict and have done bad things to friends and not had the courage to face them. The specialist helped me understand indirectly. If I am watching a movie and it gets to hectic or stressful, I have to stop watching. I can’t handle it. When I ran into problems with friends, I ran away and hid.
I need the strength and courage to face my old life again.
I wonder do other people have chronic anxiety and chronic avoidance like me.
Tags: anxiety, stress, the truthi am going to finish my life the way I want to finish it. I am not going through the rest of my life with my intellect diminished and suffering. I am not going down the long road of being dead before dying. I am going to maximize my health by doing some simple things that give the absolute best shot at having a normal life. What drives me is my desire to get married, to have kids, to be a great father and husband. I want those things more than anything else. For me to have those things, I have to be healthy and able to function properly in my choosen profession. A man is a provider and defender and I will not get married unless I can fulfill those roles fully. More »
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Tags: chronic fatigue treatment protocolabandoned, alone, scared and tormented. It feels good to understand what lies beneath what you are feeling everyday. To gain some understanding of where your emotions are basesd. To look back over a life and see what the wrecks have done even though you didn’t stop to notice the accidents at the time.
Sometimes, it is hard to believe how out of whack my mind, body and spirt are.
I don’t feel sorry for myself; I am just trying to come to terms with the anger the dwells inside of me and seems to spring eternal